


Some days I wish my heart were dead

by Nebula5030



Series: Merwaine Oneshots [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Cuddling, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, There's also a fair bit of fluff, executions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 04:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15040886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/pseuds/Nebula5030
Summary: After spending the aftermath of so many executions alone, Merlin was eternally grateful for the open arms Gwaine always welcomed him with after one.





	Some days I wish my heart were dead

**Author's Note:**

> Another oneshot I wrote a while ago, but didn't publish until now.  
> I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Title from SJ Tucker's "Dream of Mississippi" (which, imo, is a perfect song for Gwaine lol)

Merlin lay curled on his bed, the smell of smoke still lingering in his nostrils. He felt numb. Detached. Staring blankly at the wall as he saw the flames in his mind, as he heard the condemned’s final screams, over and over and over.

He was usually like this after an execution.

Merlin heard someone enter his room. He couldn’t see who it was, but he could hazard a guess.

“Merlin?” Gwaine’s voice was quiet, soft, gentle. A stark contrast to the scene playing over and over in Merlin’s mind. Merlin didn’t turn to greet him. He usually didn’t. Gwaine didn’t move for a moment, before Merlin heard him softly close the door and walk over to Merlin’s bed.

Merlin felt his mattress shift as Gwaine laid down along Merlin’s back, and soon he felt Gwaine gently pull Merlin to his front, his chest pressed to Merlin’s back and one arm across Merlin’s stomach.

“There were so many I couldn’t save,” Merlin said in a haunted whisper, his voice breaking. “So many innocent people who were killed for being who they were.”

“I know, my love,” Gwaine murmured. “I know.”

Merlin’s sobs renewed, and he shook violently where he lay. He fumbled for Gwaine’s hand and clenched it tight once he found it, thinking for a second that he might be hurting Gwaine. Gwaine gently began to shush Merlin, and he ran his thumb in circles over the back of Merlin’s hand.

“It’s alright, my love,” Gwaine murmured into Merlin’s hair. “Let it out.”

Gwaine had never truly hated the executions until Merlin had told him about his magic. He thought he understood the reasons behind them, and in truth, they had never really fazed him. But now each one filled Gwaine’s stomach with an anger, a rage heated enough to rival that of the pyre. He wanted nothing more than to go to Arthur and scream at him about how these executions do _nothing._ He wanted to grab Arthur by the shoulders, tight enough that the bled, and shake some sense into him.

Merlin had told Gwaine that that was how he felt at first, as well. But as time went on, Merlin’s emotions slowly turned to depressed resignation at knowing that it was going to happen again and again. And that there was almost nothing he could do to stop them.

But that didn’t make the grief at losing them any less potent.

Merlin curled in tighter on himself, and Gwaine followed a moment later, moving his body so it fit along Merlin’s. Gwaine’s presence was an ever welcome comfort; after spending the aftermath of so many executions alone, Merlin was eternally grateful for the open arms Gwaine always welcomed him with after one.

Gwaine pressed his forehead to the back of Merlin’s neck, his eyes shut tight and face in a pained grimace as he tried to force the image his mind always conjured of Merlin being the one in the flames from his mind. The same image he had woken up from, time and time again, while crying Merlin’s name in a desperate panic and tears already trailing down his cheeks.

Gwaine sighed. It was going to be a long night for the two of them.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Gwaine whispered to Merlin after Merlin’s crying had lessened slightly. He wanted to stay with Merlin, to remind himself that Merlin was okay, and that Merlin hadn’t been the one on the pyre.

Gwaine smiled faintly as Merlin squeezed his fingers and responded, “I would really like that.”

~

_“_ _Merlin!”_ Gwaine bolted upright, his breathing heavy, and the sound of Merlin’s screams still ringing in his ears. It was dark, and for a moment Gwaine was confused at where he was, but then he remembered he was in Merlin’s room, having fallen asleep there after staying with Merlin to comfort him after an execution.

Gwaine felt a hand on his arm, and he involuntarily jumped.

“Shh, Gwaine, I’m alright,” Merlin’s voice said softly in the dark. Gwaine turned to try and look at Merlin, to make sure he was okay, but he couldn’t see very well in the dark room.

Merlin seemed to be thinking the same thing, because a moment later Gwaine saw a flash of gold about where Merlin’s eyes should have been, and the small candle on Merlin’s nightstand lit.

Gwaine almost flinched at the fire, the one from his dream still omnipresent his mind.

Merlin’s expression was concerned, and he looked over Gwaine for a moment with a frown, until he sighed and opened his arms. “Come here.”

Gwaine leaned over and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s torso, head tucked under Merlin’s chin. Merlin was here. Merlin was _safe._ Gwaine could feel himself shaking, easily able to tell when juxtaposed against Merlin’s steadiness. Merlin rocked slightly as he ran his fingers through Gwaine’s hair, the motion working wonders to slow Gwaine’s racing heart.

“… was it me again?” Merlin asked softly into the darkness.

Gwaine, not trusting his voice to not shake, simply nodded. He heard and felt Merlin sigh in response, before Merlin bent his head and lightly pecked Gwaine’s hair.

For a couple minutes neither of them spoke. Gwaine’s breathing slowly regained normalcy, and his racing heart gradually slowed. Merlin was here. Merlin was safe.

“You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?” Gwaine whispered with a slight smirk. Elyan would have a field day if he found out about this.

“What? That you cuddled with me in the middle of the night because you had a nightmare about me being burnt at the stake?”

“Yeah, that.”

Merlin chuckled slightly. “No, I’m not going to tell anyone.”

“Oh, _good._ I have a reputation to consider, after all.”

“As do I, Gwaine,” Merlin responded. “Could you _imagine_ what would happen if word got out that _you_ spent a night with me in _my_ bed?”

“Ah, yes. Wouldn’t want the _scandalous Sir Gwaine_ corrupting King Arthur’s innocent manservant now, would we?”

Merlin laughed softly. “No, not that!”

Gwaine slowly sat back up, letting out a deep breath as he did so. He then looked up at Merlin with a small smile, and found Merlin with a matching expression.

Merlin tucked Gwaine’s hair behind his ear and held his hand to the side of Gwaine’s head. “Go back to sleep,” Merlin said softly, a gentle smile on his face. “I’ll be right here.” He tipped Gwaine’s head towards him and pecked the knight lightly on the forehead.

Gwaine lifted his own hand and placed it on top of Merlin’s. He smiled at Merlin, before taking Merlin’s hand in his and bringing it to his mouth, where he lightly kissed Merlin’s fingers.

After Gwaine was lying back down he looked up at Merlin. He smiled. “You’re too good to me.”

Merlin scoffed in amusement. But then he laid down next to Gwaine and tucked the blanket back over the two of them. He snuggled close into Gwaine, and, true to his wishes, Gwaine wrapped his arms around him, pulling Merlin in close to his chest.

“Don’t forget the candle, my love.”

With a flash of gold, the two of them were plunged once more into darkness. And soon both found themselves once more comfortably asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
